So, where was I? Oh yes, pregnancy sucks. And still does.
I was so diligent with my weekly updates with my first pregnancy. This time round, I just realized my last post about this pregnancy was Week 20. It’s partly because my online presence has been cannibalized by Facebook status updates (sorry guys, I know it’s been an arduous journey with me…but thanks for listening!). And partly because every time I sat down to write an update about the pregnancy, I bored myself because it has been ceaselessly miserable. If I could sum the last 18 weeks up, it’d be: whine whine whine, puke puke puke, sick sick, puke puke, sick sick sick, puke puke, oh, I feel ok today, oh wait I’m puking again, puke puke, OMG I’m f*cking HUGE, I’m so tired, heartburn heartburn heartburn, puke puke puke, whine whine whine….there, see all the boring posts I saved you?
Unlike the first pregnancy, I never got that breather, that Honeymoon 2nd trimester that made the 10 months of pregnancy tolerable. Instead, I just kept getting sick repeatedly from my toddler attending daycare, or shall I call it, the Cesspool of Germs, and the throwing up, while abating for sure, never really stopped completely.
It’s telling that the best month of my pregnancy has been this last one, only because it’s the LAST ONE. The end is near, for sure, forever! A friend of mine asked me if I was ready for the “chaos of 2 kids”. Call it naïveté, but that hasn’t really dominated my thoughts. I’ve trained my brain to not worry about stuff that hasn’t happened and you can’t control. If it’s gonna be chaos, it’s gonna be chaos and we will deal with it (or whine about it) when we get there. All my brain knows is that, right now, I’m carrying a 7 pound watermelon in my belly and I can’t make it up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath, I can barely walk, and I wake up each morning with a severe backache…and that this misery shall end soon.
And soon it shall be, for this Pickle is scheduled to be delivered via c-section this Thursday, March 22!! WOOHOO!! Since Xi was breeched and born via c-section the last time, I had the choice to do a repeat c-section or a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). A smaller part of me felt guilty for “coping out” on natural birth, but a much larger part preferred to know what to expect (even with all the pain that came after), and was freaked out by the (rare) possibility of uterine ruptures and tearing in the va-jay-jay. Ultimately, there was a million reasons to go either way, but in general, my decision rested on my positive experience with the first one: there was no lack of bonding or problems with nursing that came after, we were all well rested by the time the baby was there, we could plan around the date, the pain was very manageable with pain killers (didn’t even have to be on pain killers for more than a week), etc etc.
I’ve gotten terribly emotional with Xiola lately, knowing that these are last few precious days she will be my only child, and I’m not quite sure why I feel like I want to put these times with her in my pocket and keep it there forever. But I’m feeling those feelings and letting myself indulge in them…mostly culimating in random enveloping of Xi in gigantic hugs, crying “OH MY FIRST BORN! I LOVE YOU!”
Xiola’s been terribly excited about her baby sister “coming soon”. I’m not quite sure if she truly understand what that means. I think she does know that a baby will be coming to the house, but I don’t think she knows that a baby will be there to stay…F-O-R-E-V-E-R, sharing everyone’s attention and love. Hopefully, while attention must inevitably be shared, she will grow with her dear sister knowing that our love for her and her sister both is infinite.