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So, where was I? Oh yes, pregnancy sucks. And still does.

I was so diligent with my weekly updates with my first pregnancy. This time round, I just realized my last post about this pregnancy was Week 20. It’s partly because my online presence has been cannibalized by Facebook status updates (sorry guys, I know it’s been an arduous journey with me…but thanks for listening!). And partly because every time I sat down to write an update about the pregnancy, I bored myself because it has been ceaselessly miserable. If I could sum the last 18 weeks up, it’d be: whine whine whine, puke puke puke, sick sick, puke puke, sick sick sick, puke puke, oh, I feel ok today, oh wait I’m puking again, puke puke, OMG I’m f*cking HUGE, I’m so tired, heartburn heartburn heartburn, puke puke puke, whine whine whine….there, see all the boring posts I saved you?

Unlike the first pregnancy, I never got that breather, that Honeymoon 2nd trimester that made the 10 months of pregnancy tolerable. Instead, I just kept getting sick repeatedly from my toddler attending daycare, or shall I call it, the Cesspool of Germs, and the throwing up, while abating for sure, never really stopped completely.

It’s telling that the best month of my pregnancy has been this last one, only because it’s the LAST ONE. The end is near, for sure, forever! A friend of mine asked me if I was ready for the “chaos of 2 kids”. Call it naïveté, but that hasn’t really dominated my thoughts. I’ve trained my brain to not worry about stuff that hasn’t happened and you can’t control. If it’s gonna be chaos, it’s gonna be chaos and we will deal with it (or whine about it) when we get there. All my brain knows is that, right now, I’m carrying a 7 pound watermelon in my belly and I can’t make it up a flight of stairs without gasping for breath, I can barely walk, and I wake up each morning with a severe backache…and that this misery shall end soon.

And soon it shall be, for this Pickle is scheduled to be delivered via c-section this Thursday, March 22!! WOOHOO!! Since Xi was breeched and born via c-section the last time, I had the choice to do a repeat c-section or a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). A smaller part of me felt guilty for “coping out” on natural birth, but a much larger part preferred to know what to expect (even with all the pain that came after), and was freaked out by the (rare) possibility of uterine ruptures and tearing in the va-jay-jay. Ultimately, there was a million reasons to go either way, but in general, my decision rested on my positive experience with the first one: there was no lack of bonding or problems with nursing that came after, we were all well rested by the time the baby was there, we could plan around the date, the pain was very manageable with pain killers (didn’t even have to be on pain killers for more than a week), etc etc.

I’ve gotten terribly emotional with Xiola lately, knowing that these are last few precious days she will be my only child, and I’m not quite sure why I feel like I want to put these times with her in my pocket and keep it there forever. But I’m feeling those feelings and letting myself indulge in them…mostly culimating in random enveloping of Xi in gigantic hugs, crying “OH MY FIRST BORN! I LOVE YOU!”

Xiola’s been terribly excited about her baby sister “coming soon”. I’m not quite sure if she truly understand what that means. I think she does know that a baby will be coming to the house, but I don’t think she knows that a baby will be there to stay…F-O-R-E-V-E-R, sharing everyone’s attention and love. Hopefully, while attention must inevitably be shared, she will grow with her dear sister knowing that our love for her and her sister both is infinite.

"Baby sister coming soon"

I just posted this Facebook status update:

20 weeks, +12 pounds, 20 more weeks and 20+ pounds to go. Oy! My poor feet is crying at the thought of carrying about 50% more body weight than it is used to! You women who say you enjoy pregnancy…YOU’RE MAD!

And then I saw my 20 Week post with Xiola:

I honestly can say that I am thoroughly enjoying pregnancy.

OOPS!

Perhaps this pregnancy has been harder on me. With Xi, I was in the clear by 14 weeks, and never looked back. With Thing 2, I’m still throwing up here and there, maybe every other 4 days or so now. I feel like I have been repeating myself with the last few updates. I get moments of light-at-the-end-of-tunnel joy, then every few days, I get thrown into the kill-me-now energy-less despair, which thankfully lasts for less days than the happy days. And just when I thought I was feeling better, I got hit with a ghastly cough/cold that lasted all of last week, one of those feel-like-death colds (thankfully without a fever) and still kinda kicking my ass now. I feel light-headed often with moments of feeling like my heart is pounding breathlessly. My skinny ankles are already starting to feel like they could snap from the disequilibrium of my body. And don’t get me started on the indigestion.

Or maybe it’s the stark comparison between ghastly pregnancy and joyful motherhood. Back when I was just a pregnant lady, not yet a parent (because parenthood, to me, starts at birth), I was enjoying the concept of nurturing a child in my body. Now that I am cognizant of the SUPER DUPER AMAZING BLOW YOUR MIND joys of parenthood every single day in my interactions with Xi, I’m just all, screw this big belly BS and let us have this baby already! It is particularly special now that Xi seems to understand that there is a baby in my belly and she is already connecting with her sibling. When I point to my belly, she goes “shhh…baby’s sleeping…shhh”. We do a good night to baby each night and Xi gives the belly a big hug and kiss and OMG IT’S THE SWEETEST THING IN THE WORLD! I can already tell that having a sibling for Xi will take this whole joys of parenthood thing to the next crazy awesome level.

I have serious baby fever these days. Strange right? Pregnant lady having baby fever? But whenever I see a newborn these days, my nipples start to tingle. Oh yes, I don’t even mean figuratively. All you breastfeeding moms know the tingle I’m talking about. That tingle you get when you hear a baby cry and your boobs start to leak. That one. Not that I’m leaking yet. But there is that tingle. I’m not sure if this baby fever is confused with my absolute hatred of pregnancy because I canNOT wait to not be pregnant anymore. In due time of course, in due time, not that I really want to have my baby at 20 weeks, mind you! I just want to fast forward the next 20 weeks. I have visions, fantasies, of feeling energetic again, being light and flexible, and not being a lumbering cow.

As much as I complain, it’s not all hell. Thing 2 is wayyyy more active than Xi ever was (uh oh…) and I constantly feel it kicking and turning around, which is the most sublime feeling. We had our 20 week ultrasound last Friday and Thing 2 was just swimming around in there, and it’s the best sight in the world. I wish I could have an ultrasound every day at home. At one point, the nurse chirped “wow! Long legs! And long fingers!” We have another lanky one, folks! And I know, I know, this will all be worth it, and because I’m a parent now, I am 100% sure of that. I’m just trying to get my head out of this physical shittiness and into the sphere of enjoying this for what it is, for this one last time.

Oh, and we also know the sex of Thing 2 already, but there are a few people we are waiting to tell in person, so the internet announcement will have to wait a while. Stay tuned!